Thoughts

I stole Kev’s computer so I could work on my lab report, but…I’m procrastinating, when I really really shouldn’t be.

I didn’t work to-day, and I’m starting to stress because of it :/

Side note. Had that party. Was okay.  Some people won prizes. Most just got drunk and acted accordingly. Um, hmm.

O chem is gonna KILL ME!

I have to learn all these mechanisms backward and forward and the reagents and whether shifting occurs and steps and GAH!

Anyway. Back to the party.  I made two facebook friends from it :)

Somehow, one of them knew about Shauna.  Who, -apparently- told Mum through her medium that I’m going to have a baby girl of my own someday. *is skeptical*

Anywhat.

I went to the mall to-day cuz I had a lot of prizes left over, and we just basically handed them out to the kids who were trick-or-treating there. Then I gave candy out to the peeps in the cafeteria once I got to dinner.

That’s about it, I guess.

Kill me now?

To-day is just not my day.

My dad’s been talking me down for the past two days, which is really shitty since my parents never talk to me.  You’d think that when they bother to it wouldn’t be so damn hard to come up with one nice thing to say.  But that’s how they roll.  All he can talk about is the things I’m doing wrong, like letting my roommate keep a cat, or not working enough, or not getting paid enough, or not having a plan for thanksgiving because, I’m sorry I was a little preoccupied with my sister’s death to come up with plans three months in advance for something that isn’t my deal to come up with, ever, so why would I know that I was supposed to now?

I’m so sick of everyone’s bullshit.

And then MUM is not only being overbearing but making demands like I -need- to scan my o chem tests to her to prove what a crappy grade I got because she needs to know how bad it is so I can get a tutor.  I’m fine with a tutor.  I’m not fine with her dictating that I give her my school stuff and then deciding FOR ME that I’m getting a tutor for a class that NOBODY has a passing grade in, like I’m a bad student.  I don’t -need- one more hour of stuff to do during the day when I work until 4:30 -every- day.  And I have to go to bed by 10:30 or I won’t be able to function in classes.

ADD and lack of sleep don’t exactly go together.

But I don’t have time to do homework and get stuff done before bed, especially not if another hour is tacked on.  I’m so stressed and tired already.  Why do you have to lump even more on? And talk down to me like that? I really don’t need it right now.

I guess that maybe she refuses for me to do anything other than med school now because Shauna wanted to be a vet, so now somebody has to live out her dream (or something close to it).  But it’s not fair.

I’m not even sure I can do it anymore.  I’m just not that smart.  And I’m tired of feeling like I’m crazy.  And I just want to be happy.  Part of me does, at least.

I want something less stressful for myself.  I’m tired of being tired, or having to compete with -everyone-.  Or never having down time.

I work so damn hard already.  Why does she have to act like it’s not enough? Why does that always happen?

And to-day I just wanted something to make the day all right because to-day’s Shauna’s birthday.  She would have been 24.  It’s really tough for me.  So I don’t want to deal with my shit and other people’s shit, too.

But I missed something I was looking forward to because of work, and I don’t get to eat dinner, and if I’m being honest, comfort food sounds really nice right now.  Food at all, even.  I just want -something- to make this day not-terrible.

But everything just goes wrong and people talk me down.

Like Jeff.

I’m so pissed at him right now.

But I won’t bitch about it.

Suffice it to say he lied to my face and talked shit about me when he thought I wasn’t around, even though I did him a favour.  The world is full of assholes.  I wish it didn’t get to me, but I’m SO sick of people pretending to be friends, and nobody’s ever here for me.  All they have the energy to do is the easy thing everyone does these days, which is treat other people like crap.  It’s so lame because I don’t know how people can live with themselves when they KNOW they’re hurting others.

Well right now, he can go fuck himself.  I’m not all right, and I’m not in the mood to deal with his d-bag-ishness.

The end.

Sorry this was so angry.  I can’t help it right now.  To-day really does just suck for me.

My followers are all hustlers? That would make the most sense since I don’t have the link anywhere else that I know of.

I’m DYING from work to-day, and I worked 3.5 less hours than I had planned on.  But I got a 27/30 on my intro for scientific writing! YAY!

I’m so ready for break XP

MY PARTY IS NEXT WEEKEND!!!one! 8D

All right.  Sorry.  I needed that outburst.  

Know what I also need?

Food.

But anyway.  Let’s come up with something worthwhile…hmm…

Yeah, I lied.  I honestly just started a post to complain about my back I guess because….I have nothing else to say.  Hey people! You should ask me random questions! Give me something to say >.>

Otherwise my braindead-ness will prevent me from saying much.

Peace.

This means I can now afford to be ridiculous around holiday times!

(Did you know I’m getting something for -everyone- around here? For xmas.  Assuming most people celebrate it, and whatnot.  I’ll see if Kiffin is allowed to tell me that sorta thing. Probably not, but it’s worth a shot)

Do you have any suggestions?

I’m not sure what I could get for probably 100+ people that wouldn’t break the bank but wouldn’t be some lame, cheapy gift either.  Do you know places that sell legit stuff in bulk so I could get more for cheaper than if I bought them individually?

Cuz I’m already probably gonna be spending close to one thousand on my fam.  That’s just always how it goes.  Plus $75 or so on Jordan and ditto for Kev.  

Anywhat.  So yeah, it’s about $100 a week, with me working 18 or so hours.  To-morrow I’ll be working 5.5 since I’m not working to-day (O chem lab X.X)

A lot of people are dropping o chem.  We just got a test back, and I guess people don’t want to risk a D on their transcripts.  Me, I came to school to learn.  So I may not do well, but no-one is doing well! I want to get an 80 on a test sometime, but that’s not gonna happen if I quit.  And if med school doesn’t accept me, then it just wasn’t meant to happen I guess.

I want food so badly.  I’m starving.  We’re not doing lunch to-day which sucks because that means I won’t get to eat until 5:30, and I haven’t eaten since….9 ish yesterday.

But ah well, such is life.

But back to having money!

I’m so excited.  First I have to pay off my credit card bill, then I have to save up maybe around $300 for just in case, then I need to start chipping away at loans.  But then I can keep some of it for xmas!

So if I’m making about $400 a month, then by xmas I’ll have…none.  Dammit.  I guess that’s why I’m working at Justin’s over break, too.  That’ll probably help the situation.  I guess I’ll just chip away at C-card bill and savings, too.  Cuz after xmas I don’t have anything til v-day, and that’ll only cost a couple hundred.  I’m NOT having another huge party this year.  That is for certain.

To-night is no sleep night.  So I guess I’ll write up my methods for genetics lab, abstract for IDS, do two sets of physics problems, and then I’ll be golden! Which means for the rest of the time, I’ll probably have to work on my costume.  Since I have 10 days to get it done.  Luckily, it won’t take -too- long.

I mean, two hours…plus another four or five plus another two.  Yeah. I should be all right.

Gonna go party plan now! Peace!

Some people (equestrian majours) to-day told a friend’s roommate that aviation majours are immature…because, according to them, wanting to fly a plane is something every child wants to do, and they clearly didn’t grow out of that.

1) I think they’re thinking of become an astronaut. (Get it right before you insult somebody!)

2) How is playing with ponies all day more mature than flying a plane? Especially when it leads to a legit job, one you could support a family on? Just sayin.  And at least the aviation majours are doing real work.  Like, I get that it’s a pain in the ass to wake up at 5 AM everyday (TRUST ME, I know all too well), but they hardly ever get homework, and they don’t have to know that much.  Aviation majours have to read a TON of stuff and know all these details.  Not to mention, other peoples’ lives and convenience is kinda on the line.  I’m not even an aviation majour and I can respect how much hard work it takes.

Anyway, serious time over. Had an awesome moment when Holleigh (friend’s roommate’s girlfriend) was talking about her director guy blowing up in her face.  Kev and I took laughed hysterically. Can you guess why? 

I want to get my O Chem test back SO badly.  I’m dying to know what I got on it.

I talked to my ex’s ex to-day haha.  I tried to convince her to come up for the H-ween party :D

And one of my friends might be moving in with her guy. Am I the only one who’s not crazy in love right now?

Whatever.  Men are trouble anyway.

All the party stuff is handled now, and I’ve finally got a job to help me pay off my credit card.  Gracias Dios!

Twelve more hours until I need to be worrying about class…and I have a paper to write in that time.  Well, sorta.  Just an intro to a lab report.  So sometime within the next three hours I need to go to the library and find sources…but I can’t focus AT ALL!

My mind is all over the place, and mostly it’s just hard to keep it thinking about something to do with open-book vs. closed-book testing ‘cuz I’m so fried.  You have no idea. I just need a break, and we just got off of one! 

I need a concert.  That’s what I need.  Then I’ll be recharged.

But since that’s not happening, I honestly have to force myself to do anything even remotely productive that doesn’t relate to the party.

Which I’m gonna see if I have anything else that could possibly need planning so maybe I can get that out of the way and stop thinking about it for a little while since I can’t even remember anything important that I had to say.

Peace.  I’ll write something profound soon :)

Am I watching Glee lately?!?! I mean, pretty little liars is one thing, but…GLEE?! 0.o

*headdesk*

Especially when i have an O Chem test Wednesday that we’re all freaked out about T_T

Me+ADD+Netflix=can’t win.

What’s more, only 7 people seem to be coming to the H-ween party.  I want 24 people there.  Full house. It is supposed to be a PARTY, hello!

The school talent show is coming up, and I’m thinking of singing “Lullabies”. Suggestions? Like, not on how to, obviously. Just…whether or not that seems like a good idea.  Or maybe even other songs.  I don’t have a huge range, but I hear I’m not terrible, so I’m open to suggestions.

Had another shitty weekend, except for the drive home.  I personally think that’s sad.  But one of my not-friends is getting back with the girl he’s in love with (I really hope her intentions are right), and I think it’s so sweet <3 He seems really happy about it. I KNEW he missed her! That liar! He didn’t have me fooled for a minute *smug*

It was a little sad just to think that no-one would ever love me like that though.  Not him in particular.  I know if I brought it up, he’d assume that’s what I’d meant since he -is- an Abercrombie and Fitch model, and lots of women do go for him, and basically he takes -everything- as flirting (because, maybe in his experience, it all is), but I just mean -someone-.  Well, someone I could love, too.  Romantically.  Be in love with, then, is what I mean I guess.

I just wish there were someone who, even after months of not talking, he’d ditch a super f*cking awesome party to go to something I wanted him to go to and sing love songs and pretty much brag about being talking to me or getting back together with me again.

But I’m not her, and people don’t do that with me, so…crazy cat womanhood, here I come!

PS, confusing thought for the week: Kev’s really been talking an thinking seriously about missing his home.  Wanting to go back to the 303.  But when he says it, he says we.  Talks like I’m going, too, if he does.  Says he wants me to.

I miss Colorado, but I hate being around my “family”.  I couldn’t do it.  I really like the idea, but I’m not sure how I’d feel about it.  And why does he want me there, too?

I think I shouldn’t be obsessing so much over having Kev vs. not having Kev.  I guess it’s about time I realized the ship really has sailed, and no amount of love from either of us is going to change the current situation.

I’m alone, and I’d better get used to it.  I really don’t want to be with Jordan anymore because there hasn’t been anything there for months, and, to be honest, there probably won’t be ever again.  Which, whatever.

I don’t want to hurt him, but I can’t fake a relationship.  I think I’m better off as just me.  It’s at least slightly more comfortable, even if reduces the number of nights I get sleep from few to none at all.

I guess that’s collateral in life.

It’s kinda nice to at least picture myself as being self-reliant.  The only thing is that I know I really will be completely alone, not even some semblance of friendship.  I guess I’ll have to get comfortable with that idea.  I used to be.

I can’t keep pretending things are going to change.  The best I can do is realize reality.  Even if that means admitting to myself that I don’t have anyone to turn or talk to.

I want to submit something to the Hustler Scrapbook, but I think it’s dumb to act like my name on a page with some baseless sob story is going to mean anything to them.  It’s not like they’re actually my friends.

Anyway, I sound bitter, so I’ll shut up.

Peace.

I got credit for trading in one of Shauna’s textbooks on Amazon (finally!) and used that to buy the last of the stuff for the party.  I dunno.  I’m still kinda stressed about it.  I’m stressed about everything.

I have an O Chem test in a week, and here I am, updating a blog no-one reads! Stupid ADD. 

Seriously, though, you should feel the knots (I think that’s what they’re called) in my back.  I severely need a professional back massage.  I need sleep, and food.

Honestly.  I eat once a day, if I’m lucky.  I’m -tired- of it.  Speaking of tired, I need a solution to my whole not-being-able-to-sleep-alone dilemma.  Anyone have any ideas?

Cuz when I’m alone, usually only in my room, even when the light’s on, I immediately start having, I dunno how to describe them…pre-nightmares? Scary images just start popping up in my head (I know I sound psychotic.  At least I can blame it on lack of food and sleep), and then I just get really scared.

Pathetic for a college student, right?

So it’s pretty much impossible for me to sleep if I’m alone.

Not sure what to do, at all.  I don’t exactly have friends here to spend the night with.  Well, there’s one, but the agreement is that I only get two days a week.  And let me tell you…two decent nights’ sleep doesn’t give a person enough energy to last the week, particularly not when every second drives you INSANE because you’re just so worked up about everything.

I should stop with the second tense.  You might be worked up about something, but who am I to assume? I’m trying to say that I’m the one who’s worked up.  I don’t know about what.

One of Jeff (ex’s roommate)’s best friends recently committed suicide, and he seems to be more together than me.  Does that mean I’m weak? I don’t know what to think about much anymore.

Wish I could write something like Lullabies to make me able to make sense of something.  The whole death thing used to not mean much to me, but now it seems like death is this huge deal.  Just to me.  Suddenly, I freak out when I’m not wearing the ring she got me this summer, or I accidentally tossed something over one of my pictures of her (my room…not exactly clean).

I’ve got all this energy that I don’t know what to do with.  I hate just sitting around, but I also hate doing things alone, which is the only way I’d be able to pass time instead.  I want to get back to writing, really, but I can’t when my story is saved on a computer that I don’t have the money to fix right now.  I guess I shouldn’t complain about the money deal though.  I’m the one who decided to go overboard on this party.

I just really hope it turns out amazing.  

I want to do something productive.  But at the same time I know I’ll tire really quickly.  I just can’t invest my emotions or anything into…well, anything right now.  I can’t even focus in class or on homework, and I hate it.  No matter how hard I try, things just don’t come to me.  I wasn’t overexposed to TV or video games, so I don’t understand why I’d become one of those over-stimulated people who needs instantaneous everything in order to function.  I used to be good at homework and stuff.

Never particularly good, but good.  I could at least get things DONE.  Not space out about -everything-.  I just -can’t- get things done.  Like, what the hell is wrong with me?

I need answers.  I’ve been praying a little bit more lately, but maybe it’s not enough for me to get the peace I need.

I’m just such a mess, and I don’t even know why.  

I introspect a lot, so for me to feel like I’m falling apart without the slightest inkling as to why is a little distressing.  I honestly have never been so clueless about my emotions before.  

I just want to go back to being able to think clearly and focus and remember and everything.

Is it a disease?

If I’m going even crazier, I don’t think I could handle it.  What am I supposed to do?

The only way to describe everything is a MESS.  And I don’t remember doing anything to make it.  So how can I figure out how to fix it?

Even my posts are becoming disconnected and ridiculous and rambly.  I’m really at a loss.  I have no clue what to do about anything.

Guess that’s it for to-day.  Hope you enjoyed my post on going insane. More to come, I’m sure, if this week is any indication.

I found my credit card the next day luckily, and I know officially have almost everything I need for the party, and dude, I am just so happy and up there aren’t words for it! I feel like I could be like them and just let everything be okay.

It’s a nice feeling.

That’s really it right now.

Pray with me this lasts?

Off to work on my ATL jeans! (I’ll put pics up when they’re done…like, ten years from now haha)